I understand
fortune cookies are a very controversial subject.
Not because of the
monopoly certain companies have on making them, or because the term has been
used as a racial slur and in derogatory hate-speech.
But because, I
recently discovered, some people harbor, and kind of nurse unnecessarily, a mix
of what I perceive as personal offence, feelings of inadequacy and, to spice it
up like paprika, an odd sense of victimization that seems to be sprinkled across this minuscule yet ornery population, regarding small pieces of not always grammatically correct statements they feel are trying to boss them around and tell them how to live their lives. Because they know,
ok? They know the fortune cookie is
telling that they’re doing it wrong.
And god forbid, you
hint that they may be projecting the feeling that they're doing it wrong onto a tiny slip of paper because, somewhere in their mind, they are actually aware of how wrong they’re doing
it.
In a Chinese restaurant,
mildly recently, someone said to me, acerbically and with a quietly vicious
eyeroll, that there was no way in hell (paraphrasing) that they were even
going to touch the plastic wrapper of their fortune cookie. So yeah, I could
have it.
“Those fuckin’
fortune cookies are just tryin’ to screw you over.”
“... Cuz the
sugar?” That seemed to be the most obvious reason to me.
My friend looked at me in a serious yet dramatic way. “Nah, cuz, say you just made some big decision. Then comes this
fortune cookie being all, ‘oooohh, heard you made some decision, bitch, well it
was wrong and yah gonna fuckin’ regret for the rest of yah short miserable
life.’ Then yer screwed. It’s like, suddenly, yer in a motherfuckin’ catch-22. There’s
no right. But there is definitely a wrong, and that is fucking everything. And, you know what, that is fucked up.
And I ain’t about to be inviting that kind of negativity inna my life. Like I been sayin', I’m on a
negativity purge.”
“But you’re not
talkin’ ‘bout negativity, you’re just talkin’ about doubt—”
“Doubt is
negativity,” She said, with absolute certainty.
...Well, I wasn’t
gonna touch that one.
“Where the hell you
been gettin' your fortune cookies anyway, Hot Topic?”
“Bitch, I ain’t
shopped at Hot Topic since…”
“When?”
“Since—”
“Last week?”
“—Middle school.”
“Ha! No way that’s
true. I don’t believe you.”
“Fine, last year.”
“Last year? Like,
the last year of four months ago?”
“Whatever, I don’t
buy fortune cookies there anyway.”
“….So does this
negativity purge include not speaking about things, like fortune
cookies, negatively?”
“Nah, that part’s
bullshit.”
“Uh, really? Cuz
that strikes me as, like, the most important part.”
“That whole avoiding
speaking negatively about anything shit is impossible. No one does that. It’s
like the breathing part of yoga.”
That struck me as wrong, too. “... Are you sure?”
“A negativity
purge isn’t about not speaking negatively, it’s about stopping negative things
from entering your life.”
“Woman, you need
this fortune cookie more than I do. Cuz, I think you’re doing it wrong.”
“Excuse me?!”
“Speaking
negatively all the time is, like, the number one, actually scientifically proven way of increasing
how negative you feel. Cuz you’re expressing and hearing yourself at the same
time, you're experiencing it twice. If you’re expressing something negative, then you’re also taking it
in only, like, multiplied. It’s like a vicious cycle. You’re just feeding your own negative thoughts.”
She seemed to think this over.
“…You’re not cute,
you know.”
“Watch yourself! Negative statement. And I don’t need to
be cute. I’m the most fucking gorgeous woman here!” I hadn’t brushed my hair in
three days and I hadn’t washed it in nine.
“Oh my gawd,
Parisa. Shut up! Don’t yell! And you’ve got shit in your teeth.”
“I don’t care, I
want it there. You’ve had shit in your teeth this whole time, I wanted us to be
twins.”
“Ughhhh, why didn’t
you tell me earlier?”
“I didn’t want you
to take it…negatively.”
She just sighed
and shook her head, trying to pick out some broccoli from between a canine and an incisor in the reflection of her smartphone screen.
Surprisingly, I
have run into quite a few strangely antagonistic people since then who feel
personally victimized by fortune cookies. Which makes me wonder – how do they
go about reading a fortune cookie? It’s not like picking the petals off a daisy
or asking a special 8-ball a question. You can’t go into it with expectations.
I love fortune cookies. Partly because I love the crunchy sugary waffle-cone
like sensation of eating one that has remained sealed in an airtight plastic
bag for an indeterminant amount of time. And also, partly because they’ve basically
always told me that I’m doing it right. Their predictions are spot on, as well
as timeless, meaning that there is no time limit. I save fortune cookie
fortunes religiously. Seriously, I might actually have hundreds.
One of my
favorites:
Or,
They have also
sometimes given me excellent advice.
This morning, I was
wondering whether I should pay another $140 to go to the last day of Boston
Calling, a music festival. I had gone to the first day and made some friends
who were going to be there, as well as Eminem, and I was trying to think if it
would be worth it. With my breakfast of left-over Chinese food from last night, I opened a fortune cookie and got:
That stuck with
me. So I decided save money and clean my room instead. The young man I was
thinking about going home with will have to find someone else.
I’ve had some
fortune cookies that gave me advice I probably wouldn’t have absorbed if it had
come from a parent or someone in an authority position. Or any person I interacted with.
Like:
And:
(Tiger was such a beautiful cat.)
Some fortunes can
be a little sappy, like:
I would not call this a negative sentiment, however.
I have a bunch
saved up that are essentially telling me I made the correct choices from an
early age. Like that one above, "You have the uncommon gift of common sense." And:
(It’s not that flattering, guys. If you’ve worked in customer service, you
know why many people are drawn to you for your wisdom and insights. Into the
commercial enterprise you work for.)
Yes, that's pre-braces me, back when my mom did my eyebrows.
Sometimes, when I come across a fortune cookie
that is particularly poignant at that point in my life, I’ll carry it around
with me for a while.
Searching through
the detritus and mementos of my room, I found one fortune-cookie fortune that I
think is probably the best fortune for all those people who go into their
fortune cookies ready to be offended.
